Demetri Martin Quotes
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Computer)
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Time, Heart)
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Invention)
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Fun)
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Car, People, Driving, Will)
"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"
- Demetri Martin
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Letters)
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Birthday, Christmas, Want, Waste, Wrong)
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
- Demetri Martin
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Cause, Confusion, Foreigners)
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Love, Trust, Women, Cute, Name, Talking)
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Ability, Hell, Mail)
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Time, Songs)
"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder."
- Demetri Martin
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: People)
"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive."
- Demetri Martin
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Sports, Now, Play)
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
- Demetri Martin
(Related: Saying)