Rita Rudner Quotes
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Love, Husband)
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Old)
"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Ballet, Class)
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Life, Love, Being, Rest, Want)
"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Care, Children, Parents, Want)
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Idea, First, Name, Right)
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Age, HusbDay, Want, Worth)
"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Mother, Husbands)
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Mother)
"Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Men, People, Woman)
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Women, Fire, Ugly)
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: People, Humanity, Respect, Want)
"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Time, Man)
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Word)
"They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one."
- Rita Rudner
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Feet)
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Husband, Ruin)
"Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Children, Man, Want)
"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Men, Women, Night, Want)
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Car, Men)
"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Life, Rest, Want)
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Men, Marriage, Pain)
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Husbands, Woman)
"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Children, Friends, Labor, Want)
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Office, Portraits)
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Dogs, Religious, Wonder)
"It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was."
- Rita Rudner
"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Children, First, Man, Question, Want)
"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Men, Women, God, Feeling)
"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Mother, Day, Taste, Turkeys)
"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Marriage, Men, Pain)
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Love, Purpose)
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Boyfriend, Want)
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
- Rita Rudner
(Related: Marriage, Success, Hollywood)