Woody Allen Quotes
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life)
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life, Art, Television)
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Want)
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
- Woody Allen
(Related: People, Waking, World)
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Death, Experience)
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Boss, Wife, Decision)
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
- Woody Allen
"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Television)
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Now)
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
- Woody Allen
(Related: God, Want)
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
- Woody Allen
(Related: God, Name)
"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"
- Woody Allen
(Related: Idea)
"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Profit, Right)
"Marriage is the death of hope."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Death, Marriage, Hope)
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Gold)
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Practice)
"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Want)
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
- Woody Allen
(Related: People, Universe, Want)
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
- Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Food, Oysters, Want, Will)
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Love)
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'"
- Woody Allen
(Related: Sleep, Want)
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Peace, War, Russia)
"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Funny, Being, Choice, First)
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Wife)
"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Job)
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Oneness, Students, Will)
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Want)
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Food, Man)
"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"
- Woody Allen
"Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen."
- Woody Allen
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
- Woody Allen
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Action, Parents)
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"
- Woody Allen
(Related: Dream, Nothing)
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Illusion, Nothing)
"Tradition is the illusion of permanance."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Illusion, Tradition)
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Time, Nature)
"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Talent, Being)
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life, Loneliness, Misery, Suffering)
"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Food)
"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Body, Fun, Man, Mind)
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Words)
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Love, Experience, Sex, Pretty)
"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life, Success)
"Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Money, Idea, Now, Right)
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
- Woody Allen
(Related: America, Crime, Office)
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Death, Lying)
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen
(Related: God)
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life, Regret)
"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Luck, Night)
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Time, Fun, Rest)
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Money, Financial, Poverty)
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- Woody Allen
(Related: Life, Death, Evening)
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Lie, Sleep)
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Mistakes)
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
- Woody Allen
(Related: God, Opposition)
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Car, Being)
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
- Woody Allen
(Related: God)
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Home, Wife, Boats)
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Night)
"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Comedy, Drama, Problems)
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Dying, Lying)
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Nothingness)
"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Suicide)
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Education)
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Parents)
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Education, School, Teachers)
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Success)
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Work, Dying, Immortality, Want)
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Death, Want)
"I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Wife, Want)
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Change, Life)
"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Government)
"I am two with nature."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Nature)
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Laughter)
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
- Woody Allen
(Related: Chess)