Henny Youngman Quotes


"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Car, Brother)

"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Mother, Pleasure)

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Sleep, Tomorrow)

"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Life)

"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Mother, Selling, Living)

"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: First, Succeed)

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Drinking, Reading)

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Love, Wife, Woman, Years)

"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Service)

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
- Henny Youngman
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Home, Love, Affection, Night, Tenderness, Woman, Wrong)

"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Talent)

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Wit)

"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Being, Personality)

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Love)

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Suffering)

"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Men, Want, Wives)

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Worth)

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Golf, Today)

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
- Henny Youngman
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: God)

"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."
- Henny Youngman
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Money, Happiness)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Music, Time, Marriage, People, Dancing)

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Drinks, Right)

"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Time, Brother, Army, First, Karate)

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Time, Son, Bed, Feet)

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Wife)

"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."
- Henny Youngman
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Man, School)

"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
- Henny Youngman
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Women, Chicago, Man)

"Take my wife... Please!"
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Wife)

"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Time, First)

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
- Henny Youngman
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Marriage)

"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."
- Henny Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Dad, Time)

"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match."
- Henny Youngman
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Time)

"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Horses)

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Holidays)

"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Car, Man)

"How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'"
- Henny Youngman
"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Man, Poor, Self)

"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Help, Woman)

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Man, Months)

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
- Henny Youngman
(Related: Wife)