Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Body, Now, Pretty)
"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: People, Friends, Fun, Strangers, Talk)
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Old)
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: God, End, Word)
"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Life)
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Men, Women, Advice, Want)
"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"
- Jerry Seinfeld
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: People, Being, Christmas, Spirit)
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: People, Thinking)
"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: People)
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Law, Parents, Want)
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Men, Care)
"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Mistake, Babies)
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Day, News, World)
"I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Funny)
"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Idea, Nothing)
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
- Jerry Seinfeld
(Related: Reason, Road)