Phyllis Diller Quotes

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Home, Children, Parents)

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Beauty, Deep, Skin)

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Baseball, Kids)

"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Husband, Words)

"I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Years)

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Children, Want)

"Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off."
- Phyllis Diller

"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
- Phyllis Diller

"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Justice)

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Chance, Housework)

"His finest hour lasted a minute and a half."
- Phyllis Diller

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Growing up, Kids)

"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room."
- Phyllis Diller

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Kitchen)

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Time, Argument)

"I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard."
- Phyllis Diller

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Women, Football, Play, Public, Reason)

"You know you're old if your walker has an airbag."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Old)

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Blood, Old)

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Age, Beauty, Man, May, Will)

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Christmas, Day, Job, Office)

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Children, First, Months, Talk, Teaching)

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Work, Advice, Children)

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Thought, Cooking, Kids, Thanksgiving)

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Medical, Men, Cause, Crisis, Doctors)

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Mother, Pain)

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Reason)

"The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Reason)

"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Wedding)

"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Age, Old)

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Bed, Fight)

"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Anger, Business, Kitchen, Sound)

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Smile)

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Money, Bank account)

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Mistake)

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
- Phyllis Diller
(Related: Home, Children, Rest, Will)