Steven Wright Quotes
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Friend, Baby)
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Light, Traveling)
"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out."
- Steven Wright
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Mimes)
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
- Steven Wright
"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"
- Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Argument, Man)
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
- Steven Wright
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
- Steven Wright
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright
(Related: People, Cards, Night, Poker)
"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
- Steven Wright
"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Pet)
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
- Steven Wright
"So, do you live around here often?"
- Steven Wright
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Rest)
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Thoughts, Worth)
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: God, People)
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Word)
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Autobiography, Writing)
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Numbers, Writing)
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Purpose, Books, Children)
"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
- Steven Wright
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Word)
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Babies, Baby, Beach, Day, Vacation)
"At one point he decided enough was enough."
- Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
- Steven Wright
(Related: People)
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
- Steven Wright
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Memories, Past)
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""
- Steven Wright
(Related: Girlfriend, Mistakes, Sleep)
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""
- Steven Wright
(Related: Canada)
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."
- Steven Wright
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
- Steven Wright
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Science, Body, Fiction)
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Evolution, Theory)
"What a nice night for an evening."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Evening, Night)
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Fishing)
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Power, People, Yesterday)
"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Day)
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Now, Santa claus, Weather)
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Ocean, Wonder)
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Difference)
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Time, Now, Right)
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Museums)
"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
- Steven Wright
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Luck, Years)
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Birthday, Fight)
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
- Steven Wright
(Related: People)
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Car, People)
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
- Steven Wright
(Related: World)
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
- Steven Wright
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Home, Car, Machine, Now)
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Car, Driving)
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Walking)
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Car, Friend, Friends)
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Now, Water)
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
- Steven Wright
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Worry)
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
- Steven Wright
(Related: People)
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Time, Water)
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
- Steven Wright
"How young can you die of old age?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Age, Old)
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Pressure)
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""
- Steven Wright
(Related: Money)
"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Coffee, Employees)
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Want, World)
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Washington)
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Hate, Night, Will)
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Press)
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Time, Walking)
"I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
- Steven Wright
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Night, Old)
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
- Steven Wright
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
- Steven Wright
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
- Steven Wright
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Open)
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Thinking)
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Walking)
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Mind, Trying)
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Thought, Reading)
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Future)
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Work, Fire)
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
- Steven Wright
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
- Steven Wright
(Related: God, Civilization)
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Talk)
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Advertising)
"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Time)
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Car)
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
- Steven Wright
(Related: Birthday, Singing)
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Country)
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Time, Coffee)
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Curiosity)
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Now)
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Car, Play)
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Buying, Clothes)
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
- Steven Wright
(Related: End)
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
- Steven Wright
(Related: Company, Wrong)