Tommy Cooper Quotes

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Driving, Today)

"Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Marriage, Wife)

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Building, Want)

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Drinking, Eating, Kids, Police, Yesterday)

"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Windows)

"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Kitchen)

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Now)

"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Age, Old, Opinion, Ugly, Want, Woman)

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Blind, Help)

"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Night)

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
- Tommy Cooper
(Related: Car, World)