W. C. Fields Quotes
"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Women, Want)
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Death, Life, Hope, Disgrace, Duty)
"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Time, Man)
"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Liquor, Today)
"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Man)
"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Living)
"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."
- W. C. Fields
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Cure, Sleep)
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Day, Smile)
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."
- W. C. Fields
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Man, World)
"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: May)
"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Sex, Nothing)
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Being, First, Fool, Succeed)
"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Life)
"If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Prosperity, Will)
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull."
- W. C. Fields
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to."
- W. C. Fields
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Courtesy, Woman)
"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Money, Wrong)
"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."
- W. C. Fields
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Night, Woman)
"I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday."
- W. C. Fields
"Never give a sucker an even break."
- W. C. Fields
"Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Life, Rest, Woman)
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Women, Doubt, Question)
"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Drinking, Now)
"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia."
- W. C. Fields
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Food, Nothing, Prohibition, Water)
"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Fish)
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Food, Nothing, Water)
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Nerves)
"I never vote for anyone. I always vote against."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Vote)
"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Experience, Life, Sleep)
"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Home, Being, Worry)
"Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: HusbActor, Devil)
"Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket."
- W. C. Fields
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Money, Man, Nothing, Poor)
"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Hate)
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Decency, Woman)
"I never met a kid I liked."
- W. C. Fields
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Feet, Nothing)
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Family, Men, Women)
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
- W. C. Fields
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Animals, Children)
"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Children)
"Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Heart, Will, Worry)
"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Death)
"Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Hell, Vote)
"Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Lies, Living)
"I must have a drink of breakfast."
- W. C. Fields
"I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Habit, Water, Will)
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: People, Sense)
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Fish, Water)
"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
- W. C. Fields
"I like children - fried."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Children)
"I drink therefore I am."
- W. C. Fields
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Food, Wine)
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Hate)
"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Father, Electricity, Prison, State)
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
- W. C. Fields
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."
- W. C. Fields
(Related: Water)