Joan Rivers Quotes
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: God)
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Food, Favorite)
"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Sex)
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Sex)
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Control, Birth control, Now)
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Dumb)
"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Audiences, Therapy, Unhappiness)
"Never floss with a stranger."
- Joan Rivers
"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Oil)
"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."
- Joan Rivers
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: War, Thought, World, World war)
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Time, First)
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: God, History, Mystery, Present, Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday)
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Work, God)
"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Beauty)
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Money, Happiness, People, Key)
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Dress, England, Needs, Queen)
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
- Joan Rivers
"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: History)
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Love, Husband, Pain)
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Clothes)
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Advice, Mind, Spirit)
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Daughter, Kids, Now, Respect, Sleep, Years)
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
- Joan Rivers
"Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Will)
"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: God)
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Beds, Hate, Months)
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
- Joan Rivers
"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: People)
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Baby)
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Saying, Thinking)
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Life, Sex, Mother, HusbBeds, Blame, Man, Poor, Woman, Years)
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Man, Mistakes, Questions, Sleep, Woman)
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'"
- Joan Rivers
(Related: Mother, Hell, Property)